THIS IS MY LAST BABY

This is my baby. My last baby. My for real last baby. 

She’s the youngest by alot. 

She’s amazing. 

She’s inquisitive, funny, and has the sweetest kindest heart. 

I would tell you that I can’t imagine my life without her in it, but the truth is that I can. 

She is a gift from the universe. Her siblings are 12 & 16 years older than her. I was done having kids. Two was the perfect number I’d say. My favorite sushi chef back home would always say “1 more” whenever we’d come in and we’d laugh it off and say how our family was complete. 

We had gotten into a good rhythm as a family. We were able to do so many things that we couldn’t necessarily do when the kids were little. Our time together wasn’t perfect but it was nice. Best of all, my husband and I were finally able to start doing things on our own as a couple again. For people who started their relationship as teenagers, this was a very big deal.

We were talking about college and my youngest was preparing to be the only child in the home. She was counting down the days in fact to when she would have us all to herself. 

I was 35. I thought about a theoretical third baby in ways that were never going to happen. Oh I’d do this if I had another baby and I’d do that if I had another baby. I didn’t really actually want those things, but thought they’d have been nice or good to have known with my older two. 

I found out I was pregnant in the stall of a Kroger bathroom because I needed to know right then. It was really just a confirmation. My body already knew and so did my brain. 

I was terrified. I thought of the financial strain. I considered my children and our relationship with each other. I considered what having a baby would do to our professional lives. I thought about how it would affect our relationship to each other as husband and wife. In the end I think I chose not to let fear make my decision for me and that somehow this is what the universe thought I needed. 

It took a long time to get excited. I was worried about all the comments I’d get as a parent who had a baby SO many years after my last. I was worried about what our families would say (that we didn’t need another baby). Mostly, I was worried about how our kids would react. This is the bubble that I lived in. This is the bubble I stayed in for a time because my mind just couldn’t see past the worry. 

I didn’t tell people for a long time. Not until at least I was showing. I didn’t announce it right away on social media like so many folks. It took 5 months. Once I got past my fears I wanted to enjoy a bubble of peace. I wanted this baby to be just ours. Just mine for as long as I could. I needed that this time. I didn’t care if people understood. This is what I needed and if they loved me, they’d give me that space without knowing why I needed it. 

Eventually I celebrated my pregnancy. I embraced it and allowed it to bring me joy. The worry was there, but then I’m not sure that it ever fully goes away anyway when you’re a parent. It wasn’t as important as being happy and letting others share that with us

She is my “most” baby. She’s so many things my older kids weren’t in good and bad ways. She is my teacher. She is our teacher. She is radiant joy. She adds so much love and laughter our home and I’m so thankful that she is here. 

It’s ok that I can imagine my life without her. I can casually tell you that in a conversation because I know that I’m not the only one that has ever felt this way about a baby they chose to have. I know that not everyone is excited to be pregnant even if/when it’s planned.

I can casually tell you this in conversation because I’m not ashamed about having weighed my options. I’ll share my experience because there’s a stigma about pregnancy-that if you decide you want to keep a baby that you should be happy about it and shouldn’t complain. it happens all the time. People just feel ashamed to say it.

If this rings a bell, if this sounds like you, if you’re going through this as you read this, know that you are not alone. If you’re having a hard time working past your feelings, find a safe person to talk to about it. 💗